A Day That Doesn’t Feel Like It Was Meant for You
Mother’s Day is everywhere — commercials, inboxes, store aisles, social media. For many, it’s a celebration. For others, it’s a gut punch. If you’re deep in the trenches of infertility, in the midst of IVF, grieving a miscarriage, or living with the ache of longing, Mother’s Day can feel like it was built for everyone but you.
The team at Illume Fertility recently shared a beautiful and compassionate piece called “Navigating Mother’s Day While Facing Infertility” that speaks directly to this experience (Illume Fertility, 2024). Inspired by their wisdom — and the many people I’ve walked alongside through this — here’s what I want you to know.
There’s No One Right Way to Handle the Day
You don’t need permission to feel however you’re feeling. Angry? Isolated? Numb? All valid. Want to skip brunch? Do it. Want to go but leave early? That’s okay too. There’s no “correct” emotional response to infertility on a holiday that celebrates what you’re still fighting for.
Be honest with yourself about what feels manageable this year. If you need a quiet day with your phone off, that’s not selfish — that’s self-preservation.
Ways to Protect Your Peace
Here are some ideas from both clinical experience and the Illume Fertility guide that can help buffer the emotional load of this day:
- Give yourself a ‘grief pass’: Say no to things that feel too hard, even if you said yes last year.
- Plan an alternate day: Go on a hike, book a massage, or schedule a “Friendship Brunch” with others who get it.
- Avoid the scroll: Social media will be full of baby photos and “#blessedmom” posts. Consider deleting apps for the day or muting triggering accounts.
- Start your own ritual: Light a candle. Write a letter to your future child. Plant a flower. Do something small but sacred that acknowledges your pain and hope.
- Tell someone: Whether it’s a partner, friend, or therapist — don’t keep the sadness locked inside. Let someone witness it with you.
You Are Already Doing the Work of a Mother
You may not be holding a baby in your arms, but you are showing up with enormous strength every single day. Tracking ovulation, injecting hormones, enduring procedures, surviving loss, holding on to hope — this is invisible labor. It’s a form of mothering, too.
As Illume Fertility puts it so gently: “Your motherhood is real, even if it’s not visible to the world yet.”
If You Love Someone Who’s Struggling
Don’t ignore the elephant in the room. A simple message like, “I know today might be tough. I’m thinking of you,” can mean everything. Avoid clichés. Just acknowledge. Just be there.
You Are Not Alone, Even If It Feels Like It
Mother’s Day can be a painful reminder of what hasn’t come yet — or what’s been lost. But you are not alone in this space between. There is a whole community of people who see you, who know what it costs to keep hoping.
You are brave. You are not forgotten. And you deserve compassion, today and every day.
Reference
Illume Fertility. “Navigating Mother’s Day While Facing Infertility: A Compassionate Guide.” Illume Fertility, May 7, 2024. https://www.illumefertility.com/blog/mothers-day-infertility-support
Dr Marina OBGYN